he gave her a bouquet of red roses
one dozen in full bloom
pressing her nose close
she inhaled guilt
she scattered the red petals
amidst their bed as passion flew
he shouted his love fealty
she heard betrayal
madness came on thorns of the red roses
... striking, hitting, carving
until blood stained white
inking color into blackest night
shifted from red to deathly coal
succeeding in what she wanted
his heart belongs only to her
Author's note: This post is for Poetry Jam hosted by Kat Mortesen. The prompt is about flowers but something dark, nothing pretty or flowery. Please check out what the others are jamming about this week.
About black roses: They don't exist in nature but the color is created due to cross breeding. The flowers called black roses are actually shades of a very dark red color, purple or maroon. To deepen a color of a rose place a dark rose in a vase of water mixed with black ink.
July 21, 2011 Update: This post has been offered for d'Verse - Meeting the Bar: Critique Friday. Based on the comments, I have revised the original post.
picture credit: http://purplefairies.tumblr.com/post/4424763202
Some great imagery here with this one too, red to black, nicely done.
ReplyDeleteEven provided the facts on the black roses.
damn.
ReplyDeleteremind me never to piss you off. def high on the imagery scale and intense, but then again we are talking betrayal...ugh. smiles.
have a great 4th! jumped on for just a few here in the hotel just to catch my breath
Well, Kat asked for something flowery and dark and you gave it to her in abundance.
ReplyDeleteProbably not lullaby material, I'd venture...
...gorgeous again... I love the progression of your words from red to black.. and that sentence "she inhaled his guit" is so real..thank you for sharing..
ReplyDeleteI loved how you played with dark roses n blood! Mindblowing imagery..
ReplyDeleteSunday hugs xox
Oh yes, that's dark.
ReplyDeleteYes, I love how you've vividly brought out the imagery. Deep! Interesting info about the Black roses, too.
ReplyDeleteVisual, intense, evocative. The sheer violence in this was stunning, very well written.
ReplyDeleteI didn't know that about black roses. Thanks for sharing that.
........dhole
ugh - this was dark indeed..shivers...
ReplyDeleteIntense and sensuous. Love the black rose black magic.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the thorns taking him over. I've seen enough hentai to see where this is going...... :D Hello, my intriguing new friend.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone for your lovely comments.
ReplyDeleteNice to meet you Jessica.
There are indeed crimes of passion and when madness comes, who knows what savagery we are capable of doing?
and jealousy can easily breed madness. betrayal equals rejection in most people's minds {i think.} you definitely went dark! i love it! and thanks for the tip on how to darken a rose. {i hope i never use them in this way though.}
ReplyDeletedani ♥
I found grim humor in the last bit - I don't really advocate that kind of revenge, but isn't it delicious to imagine it? :)
ReplyDeletehauntingly gorgeous!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful poem! Those thorns can hurt, but sometimes they're worth it. :)
ReplyDeleteDark ~ black, yes. A great read, yes!
ReplyDelete(thanks for that little black ink tip)
"she inhaled his guilt" is a blockbuster line, dearie. She did it in spades.
ReplyDeleteYes, I was definitely interested in your information about roses, black, inked, and maybe spray-painted? Yeah. Right!--grin!
ReplyDeleteBut OHHHH! The STORY, your "poem-story! WOW! WOW! Blood and EVERYTHING.
Until finally
She alone
She owns
That erring heart!
PEACE!
So intense..i had goosebumps, excellent imagery!!!
ReplyDeletecan I say wicked? What a theme to choose!
ReplyDeleteMy crit is only suggestions. Please take what you want and toss the rest if you choose. If you rewrite and want me to take another look, please let me know.
Here goes. Are you ready?
S1L4 The word "she" isn't necessary and the repetition in subsequent lines doesn't enhance the write. I love the inhaled guilt. Powerful imagery. I suggest using "she inhaled guilt" His doesn't add to the write.
S2 Maybe reorder the lines to make the word she less prominant.
passion flew amidst scattered petals
and shouts of love fealty
she heard betrayal (remove the word his)
S3 Reorder this stanza as well to improve the flow and thought:
madness came on thorns of red roses
... striking, hitting, carving
until blood stained white (sheets is implied and not necessary here)
inking color into blackest night
(note that I removed some words here too. I like the subtle infusion of rhyme with white and night)
S4 solitary rose in bloodied hands
shifted from red to deathly coal (you use black in the previous stanza)
succeeding in what she wanted
his heart belongs only to her.
This is almost brutally intense. You've captured imagery and mood with the perfect tone for the theme.
I hope I was able to help. Thanks for the opportunity and for listening.
Beth
Thanks Beth for the valuable comments. I have edited the lines and will think about editing it some more and then show it to you.
ReplyDeletescathing, bitter, intense piece Heaven. Beth's given excellent advice, I can't add much, though I wonder if the triple-trple-double stanza-breaks are intended? Also think it's a little overstated to have the last two lines in italics; the content is so strong abnormal formatting for emphasis seems unnecessary. Powerful piece; compulsive read. Thanks for linking up today.
ReplyDeleteThanks Luke.. I really appreciate your inputs and have edited my work.
ReplyDeletePassion can be so intense in terms of this scenario--gulp! Well done.
ReplyDeleteI didn't see this before your revision but obviously the essence and passion was there. Although, I don't think I have the "credentials" for giving anyone advice.
Gayle
Stirring piece...watch out for those thorns...♥ ஆ ~.^
ReplyDelete