Saturday, 2 July 2011

Only hers





he gave her a bouquet of red roses
one dozen in full bloom 
pressing her nose close
she inhaled guilt


she scattered the red petals
amidst their bed as passion flew 
he shouted his love fealty  
she heard betrayal


madness came on thorns of the red roses 
... striking, hitting, carving         
until blood stained white 
inking color into blackest night

solitary rose in bloodied hands 
shifted from red to deathly coal 
succeeding in what she wanted  
his heart belongs only to her 




Author's note:   This post is for Poetry Jam hosted by Kat Mortesen.  The prompt is about flowers but something dark, nothing pretty or flowery.    Please check out what the others are jamming about this week.   

About black roses:    They don't exist in nature but the color is created due to cross breeding.   The flowers called black roses are actually shades of a very dark red color, purple or maroon.   To deepen a color of a rose place a dark rose in a vase of water mixed with black ink.        


July 21, 2011 Update:   This post has been offered for d'Verse - Meeting the Bar: Critique Friday.  Based on the comments, I have revised the original post.

picture credit:  http://purplefairies.tumblr.com/post/4424763202

26 comments:

  1. Some great imagery here with this one too, red to black, nicely done.

    Even provided the facts on the black roses.

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  2. damn.

    remind me never to piss you off. def high on the imagery scale and intense, but then again we are talking betrayal...ugh. smiles.

    have a great 4th! jumped on for just a few here in the hotel just to catch my breath

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  3. Well, Kat asked for something flowery and dark and you gave it to her in abundance.
    Probably not lullaby material, I'd venture...

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  4. ...gorgeous again... I love the progression of your words from red to black.. and that sentence "she inhaled his guit" is so real..thank you for sharing..

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  5. I loved how you played with dark roses n blood! Mindblowing imagery..

    Sunday hugs xox

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  6. Yes, I love how you've vividly brought out the imagery. Deep! Interesting info about the Black roses, too.

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  7. Visual, intense, evocative. The sheer violence in this was stunning, very well written.

    I didn't know that about black roses. Thanks for sharing that.

    ........dhole

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  8. ugh - this was dark indeed..shivers...

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  9. Intense and sensuous. Love the black rose black magic.

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  10. I really liked the thorns taking him over. I've seen enough hentai to see where this is going...... :D Hello, my intriguing new friend.

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  11. Thanks everyone for your lovely comments.

    Nice to meet you Jessica.

    There are indeed crimes of passion and when madness comes, who knows what savagery we are capable of doing?

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  12. and jealousy can easily breed madness. betrayal equals rejection in most people's minds {i think.} you definitely went dark! i love it! and thanks for the tip on how to darken a rose. {i hope i never use them in this way though.}
    dani ♥

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  13. I found grim humor in the last bit - I don't really advocate that kind of revenge, but isn't it delicious to imagine it? :)

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  14. Beautiful poem! Those thorns can hurt, but sometimes they're worth it. :)

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  15. Dark ~ black, yes. A great read, yes!

    (thanks for that little black ink tip)

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  16. "she inhaled his guilt" is a blockbuster line, dearie. She did it in spades.

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  17. Yes, I was definitely interested in your information about roses, black, inked, and maybe spray-painted? Yeah. Right!--grin!

    But OHHHH! The STORY, your "poem-story! WOW! WOW! Blood and EVERYTHING.
    Until finally
    She alone
    She owns
    That erring heart!
    PEACE!

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  18. So intense..i had goosebumps, excellent imagery!!!

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  19. can I say wicked? What a theme to choose!

    My crit is only suggestions. Please take what you want and toss the rest if you choose. If you rewrite and want me to take another look, please let me know.

    Here goes. Are you ready?

    S1L4 The word "she" isn't necessary and the repetition in subsequent lines doesn't enhance the write. I love the inhaled guilt. Powerful imagery. I suggest using "she inhaled guilt" His doesn't add to the write.

    S2 Maybe reorder the lines to make the word she less prominant.
    passion flew amidst scattered petals
    and shouts of love fealty
    she heard betrayal (remove the word his)

    S3 Reorder this stanza as well to improve the flow and thought:
    madness came on thorns of red roses
    ... striking, hitting, carving
    until blood stained white (sheets is implied and not necessary here)
    inking color into blackest night
    (note that I removed some words here too. I like the subtle infusion of rhyme with white and night)

    S4 solitary rose in bloodied hands
    shifted from red to deathly coal (you use black in the previous stanza)
    succeeding in what she wanted
    his heart belongs only to her.

    This is almost brutally intense. You've captured imagery and mood with the perfect tone for the theme.

    I hope I was able to help. Thanks for the opportunity and for listening.

    Beth

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  20. Thanks Beth for the valuable comments. I have edited the lines and will think about editing it some more and then show it to you.

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  21. scathing, bitter, intense piece Heaven. Beth's given excellent advice, I can't add much, though I wonder if the triple-trple-double stanza-breaks are intended? Also think it's a little overstated to have the last two lines in italics; the content is so strong abnormal formatting for emphasis seems unnecessary. Powerful piece; compulsive read. Thanks for linking up today.

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  22. Thanks Luke.. I really appreciate your inputs and have edited my work.

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  23. Passion can be so intense in terms of this scenario--gulp! Well done.

    I didn't see this before your revision but obviously the essence and passion was there. Although, I don't think I have the "credentials" for giving anyone advice.

    Gayle

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  24. Stirring piece...watch out for those thorns...♥ ஆ ~.^

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