I gaze at native basket
laden with
plump apples, lush grapes.
Cold hands wiggle under
finding a yellow mango.
Pale, firm skin
I peal away warm flesh
As sweet, tangy arms
embrace me.
Remembering my motherland
I grieve her fate.
Belly sliced,
diced
in tropical heat,
its sticky juice suckled dry
by greedy flies.
Author's Note: This post is for D'Verse Poets Pub: Meeting the Bar: Critique and Craft hosted by Luke Prater. Julie shared some interesting insights in tackling big topics or issues. Since I don't have a personal experience on death or loss, I wrote about an issue, economic greed. I don't normally post about these topics, but thought it is a good exercise to apply the concept shared by Julie.
Also posted for Flash Fiction Friday - G-Man, I am joining you.
Also posted for Flash Fiction Friday - G-Man, I am joining you.
Picture credit: http://www.simplybasketsvernonbc.com/baskets.htm
Interesting way to address economic greed. I appreciate people who can integrate political statements in a meaningful manner with the hope that someone "gets it."
ReplyDeleteHopefully all is well with you
A good comparison--every country has those who wish to strip the fruits of the earth and keep them for themselves. Good twist away from the sensual and into the gritty, Heaven.
ReplyDeleteoo i like...there is a gritty feel of the flies on the beautiful fruit and i can only think of the vomit they suck up and spit again all over it before i bite...or maybe not now...
ReplyDeleteYeah so true, they just want to take, take, take, even when they have it all, greed ridden people.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Heaven,
ReplyDeleteI relate to this piece as I too am far from my country and see every event that happens there with the same stomach turning attitude as you've described here. I love how you've incorporated greed and flies together and this way you've stayed focused in your small object and have addressed a big issue.
Great write :)
I love this one...it feels gritty, sensual...and speaks of economic pliet....a brilliant write my friend
ReplyDeleteDeliciously Different!!
ReplyDeleteYou Rocked Out the Symbolism this week.
Quite the Perfect 55 Heaven
Thanks for playing, and have a Kick Ass Week-End
A lot of things are contained here in a few lines, from a sensual experience to grief at injustice. Well done.
ReplyDelete..ah, Heaven your descriptions are luscious and clever… you had me at those greedy flies.. adorable!(:
ReplyDelete~Kelvin
Sensuous, and a beautifully understated metaphor throughtout.
ReplyDeleteYou appear to have got a lot from the exercise. I got a lot from your poem.
ReplyDeleteI gaze at native basket
ReplyDeleteladen with
plump apples, lush grapes.
Cold hands wiggle under
finding a yellow mango.
Pale but firm skin
I peal away warm flesh
As sweet, tangy arms
Embrace me.
Remembering my motherland
I grieve her fate!
Belly sliced,
diced
in tropical heat,
its sticky juice suckled dry
by greedy flies.
The metaphor is a good one for unfair trade/economic greed. 'native basket' and 'warm flesh' are evocative phrases and the closure is a hard-hitter. Not sure who the first person Narrator 'I' is here; I thought the first-world consumer, but this couplet confused me -
Remembering my motherland
I grieve her fate!
which sounds like one of the fruit speaking. It's a pretty tightly-wrought piece; I'd be inclined to clarify that ambiguity though. Also the exclamation point/mark after 'fate' (for me) almost lends an unwanted tone of levity/humour; I almost always find a period is far more emphatic.
Going back to last week's discussion, redundant phrasing - overuse of adjectives in partic - I'd strip one or two here I think. Fruit is so full of immediate imagery anyway, and you're already making it work twice as hard by using as a metaphor, in my opinion you're actually detracting from those nouns in places by using so many adjectives. This passage -
Pale, [but] firm skin
I peel away warm flesh
[as] sweet, tangy arms >one too many adj here maybe?
[E]embrace me. >consistency with the caps/no caps
Excellent piece, on the prompt too
Very delicious and deep.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this.
Hey heaven
ReplyDeleteAt first my mind jumped to Cezanne
with the fruit - but you wrestled that away with your exploration of this interesting and very effective metaphor - i like alot.
I could sense the voice behind the piece and its tone and solidity are fixed and strong.
Thanks Heaven
Mmmm! I love mangoes!
ReplyDeleteLuke, I really appreciate your crit. I will strive to make it tighter and do away with redundant words.
ReplyDeleteA big thanks to everyone for your wonderful comments, and visit ~
I was immediately taken to a moment when I was young, eating peaches fresh off the tree, divine and unbelievable, surrounded by fruit flies, my parents yelling nearby. So familiar!
ReplyDeletecleverly done... seducing the reader into an expectation of sensual delights... then the political thrust... I like surprises...
ReplyDeleteLoved this-- in this piece the metaphor is clear and powerful-- fruit as experience of country and then the damage. xxxj
ReplyDeletePowerful metaphor here Heaven. You are paring the fruit and using it as a vehicle to show both rapaciousness and wastefulness (which are certainly related).
ReplyDeleteDon't think you need modifiers in front of the fruit. Let the reader see and sense them.
Overall fine work with an important message.
G.
The flies sucking the bounty dry is a powerful metaphor, Heaven. It's one the planet might relate to, when one considers all that's been done in the name of greed.
ReplyDeleteI find your write full of feeling - the imagery you chose, I can feel it in my hands, see the colors...
ReplyDeleteI like the image of cold hands too.
In terms of the sound of the words, it's rhythm (which is something I always notice), I really like the first two lines in the last stanza -
Belly sliced,
diced -
visually, as well as rhythmically - makes it feel like something is cutting through and damaging.
(I probably added interpretation... I hope that's OK.)
I like this a lot!
:)
deb