Moping blue
the color
of her core
weary and sullen
as she looks
around the shop
windows aimless,
lost in missteps.
A tug at her arm,
she wants to swat the pest
but sad, despairing eyes
twitch her heart.
Opening bag, she drops a few
coins to a mud splattered hand,
face lighting up face.
Walking down subway stairs,
she helps a limping woman
down the cobbled maze,
legs moving legs,
one step at a time.
Riding the crowded train,
a harried young woman
begs help to
soothe a baby bundle
while caring for
precocious toddler.
Arms helping arms,
one burden lighter.
Onward home, loud
energetic voices litter
the street; skipping rope,
playing catch ball and hoops.
laughter pealing laughter.
Opening her windows,
blues fly away.
Author's Note: This post is for D'Verse Poet Pubs, Meeting the Bar: Critique and Craft hosted by Luke Prater. He shared one important guideline: redundant phrasing. Words, phrases, lines, stanzas, even, that are unnecessary. Every word in a poem must earn its place, every single one; no matter how poetic/ clever/ aesthetically pleasing it may be per se, if it is not adding anything to the piece overall, then it has to go.
This is a light post that needs work -feel free to give your feedback. Thanks for the visit.
Update: This is the edited version based on the feedback received. Thanks ~
Shared with Poets United # 61.
the color
of her core
weary and sullen
as she looks
around the shop
windows aimless,
lost in missteps.
A tug at her arm,
she wants to swat the pest
but sad, despairing eyes
twitch her heart.
Opening bag, she drops a few
coins to a mud splattered hand,
face lighting up face.
Walking down subway stairs,
she helps a limping woman
down the cobbled maze,
legs moving legs,
one step at a time.
Riding the crowded train,
a harried young woman
begs help to
soothe a baby bundle
while caring for
precocious toddler.
Arms helping arms,
one burden lighter.
Onward home, loud
energetic voices litter
the street; skipping rope,
playing catch ball and hoops.
laughter pealing laughter.
Opening her windows,
blues fly away.
Author's Note: This post is for D'Verse Poet Pubs, Meeting the Bar: Critique and Craft hosted by Luke Prater. He shared one important guideline: redundant phrasing. Words, phrases, lines, stanzas, even, that are unnecessary. Every word in a poem must earn its place, every single one; no matter how poetic/ clever/ aesthetically pleasing it may be per se, if it is not adding anything to the piece overall, then it has to go.
This is a light post that needs work -feel free to give your feedback. Thanks for the visit.
Update: This is the edited version based on the feedback received. Thanks ~
Shared with Poets United # 61.
This is clever and uplifting. Very little I’d suggest changing, the odd word cut here and there would tighten it up. As you’ve used final punctuation mid stanza I think you need to use capital letters as well. There’s a problem with tense here and there, some in present, some in past. Needs to be one or the, if it was mine I’d plump for present and make it more immediate. Some thoughts below.
ReplyDeletemoping blue
[just] the color [cut – ‘just’ is one of those words that very rarely adds anything to a piece]
of her heart [‘heart’ is one of those words you have to be really careful with in poetry and as you’ve used it in the next stanza I’d consider replacing it, ‘core’ perhaps, would give you some alliteration with color]
weary and sullen
as she looks
around the shop
windows aimlessly,
lost in missteps.
[feeling] a tug [in] her arm, [cut Feeling] [at]
she [wanted] to swat the pest [wants]
but sad [and] despairing eyes [replace with a comma]
[twitched] her heart. [twitch]
opening bag, she drops a few
coins to a mud splattered hand,
face lighting up face.
walking down [the] subway stairs, [cut]
she [helped] a limping woman [helps]
down the cobbled maze
legs moving legs,
one step at a time.
riding the crowded train,
a harried young woman
[asked] help to [you could use a stronger verb here ‘begs’ perhaps, assonance with help]
soothe a baby bundle
while caring for [another] [cut]
precocious toddler.
arms helping arms,
one burden lighter.
onward home, loud
energetic voices [littered ] [litter]
the street; skipping rope,
playing catch ball and hoops.
laughter pealing laughter
opening her windows,
bubbles flew away. [I think of bubbles as bright, happy little things. I’d be tempted to use ‘blues’ here to bring it full circle with the first line. Change flew to fly]
Moping blue,
the color
of her core,
weary and sullen
as she looks
around the shop
windows aimlessly,
lost in missteps.
A tug at her arm,
she wants to swat the pest
but sad, despairing eyes
twitch her heart.
Opening bag, she drops a few
coins to a mud splattered hand,
face lighting up face.
Walking down subway stairs,
she helps a limping woman
down the cobbled maze ,
legs moving legs,
one step at a time.
Riding the crowded train,
a harried young woman
begs help to
soothe a baby bundle
while caring for
precocious toddler.
Arms helping arms,
one burden lighter.
Onward home, loud
energetic voices litter
the street; skipping rope,
playing catch ball and hoops.
laughter pealing laughter.
Opening her windows,
blues fly away.
Just suggestions for you to mull over.
Enjoyed the piece as much as any other day. That's about as much of a critique as I can do, but I'm sure that you knew.
ReplyDeleteReally though another great piece, not overly wordy or anything, really plays to the image.
carys nailed the first thing that jumped out at me which was the tense issues...i would probably rework the opening stanza just a bit...i like how carys tightened it...i would prob take the -ly off the end of aimless...i enjoyed the verse though heaven...
ReplyDeletei love the revised one....thanks so much for your comments.
ReplyDeletei have edited it now ~
I like your blog, Heaven :)
ReplyDeleteTHe poem is sensual and deep. I like Cary's suggestions as they do make it a stronger piece. :)
Read you soon! ~ Aida
Lovely, Heaven.
ReplyDeleteHome sweet home.
ReplyDeleteI like that the person is weary but never too tired to help others in need.
Good title and the photo is perfect.
-H
I enjoyed your poem very much, Heaven, and seeing Carys' changes are helpful to me as well.
ReplyDeleteI like that you chose the word "blues" at the end instead of "bubbles"--my preference too that refers to the beginning.
I really liked this Heaven.
ReplyDeleteSome great imagery here!
Nicely done!
i beautiful piece heaven and great input from carys - the revised version is tight and makes a beautiful snapshot of theses events
ReplyDeletethe only thing i would like to point out..you have "mended blue" in the title and then "moping blue" in the first line..bites a bit for my taste but really like the poem
Very effective message and great editing suggestions. I thought it was great the first read. Lots to learn through this editing process, heh?
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking you don't need 'sad' and 'despairing'; also that you could drop 'loud' in last verse because 'energetic' implies loud.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, no complaints!
Not sure I made myself clear —'sad' and 'despairing' are so close in meaning, I think, that you could choose one rather than both.
ReplyDeleteHi Heaven
ReplyDeleteI am late to the bar this week and i have entered post edit.
I love your poetry in motion -converting probable every day events into something resounding, interesting and poetic with a fine eye.
Props
A great poem and the changes suggested by Cary helped me a lot in terms of how some simple changes and cuts can make it an even more enjoyable read.
ReplyDeleteA very good read. Hand can mean so much.
ReplyDeleteYour poem weaves a wonderful story. I hadn't seen the unrevised version, but this one is just 'perfect.'
ReplyDeleteAll sounds like good advice. I like the intent behind the poem and that's what I look at.
ReplyDeleterefreshing.
ReplyDeleteVery nice. You had some good constructive advice on it, too.
ReplyDeleteGreat write. Still looking around enjoying your beautiful and unique poetry...Nice meeting you.
ReplyDelete