Thursday, 11 August 2011

More than yesterday





I press rose petals on your lips today
How they bloom more than yesterday


I trace my tongue amidst deep trails  
You are sweeter than yesterday


My arms hold your peace as you sleep
More beautiful than yesterday


Rains and clouds may dot our sky  
Still I love you more than yesterday


Say you will stay until I am gray 
Heaven is here, brighter than yesterday 


Author's Note :  This post is for D'Verse - Form for All - Ghazal, hosted by Gay and John Alwyine-Mosley (AKA @bookdreamer)  We are to write at least 5 couplets; I have used yesterday as my ending rhyme word.     


Traditional Ghazal rules of form are very clear. The opening couplet is called amatla, which sets up the rhyme scheme (qaifa) and refrain (radif) by having it occur in both lines. Then this scheme occurs only in the second line of each succeeding couplet for at least five additional couplets and in practice as many as needed. To end the ghazal, the poet has a signature couplet, the (makhta)in which they mention their name or refer to themselves.  

Your feedback is appreciated.  Thanks ~

34 comments:

  1. Oh Heaven - this is indeed heavenly and while (because of the picture) I think you wrote it about romantic love, it works so well as the love of a parent to a child. It flows delicately one couplet to the next. Excellent example. Thank you SO MUCH.

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  2. Hi Heaven
    I noticed on Johns spot you where taking your time and having a real run at it. I think this was worth the time.

    This is very intimate and delicate
    and you appear to have broken some ground with the form. I kind of blundered thru it but you have really delivered.

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  3. Heaven, I really like this! :)

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  4. You pulled off the form, (Still say it's cheating using the same word..lol), wonderfully and as always nice romantic touch.

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  5. Thanks so much Gay, I really like the form. I confess that I had to see so many examples and John's comments, so I can be clear about the form.

    Aaron, Ayala: Glad you like it.

    Pat, this is part of the Ghazal rule, it should be the same end part of each couplet.

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  6. Changing of styles does not affect the beauty of your writes.. Lovely as always..

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  7. I love a love poem, especially well written. Much passion presnted authentically well. Really enjoyed this!

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  8. smiles...love the play on your name in the end...and intentional of not holding your peace while you sleep is a nice play on words as well...

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  9. Oh heaven....this is beautiful. I hung on every word :)

    BTW: Beth Parkers newest post is up :)

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  10. Heaven, this is lovely and I loved you ended it!
    Very, very nice!

    Margie :)

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  11. beautiful when love becomes more and more intensive and sweeter each day than the day before..a tender write heaven

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  12. Heavens! you got it right! sensuously and provocatively and it's all on yesterday. Great!

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  13. Heaven - This is a really fine attempt to write this form. Beautiful. I'm here from the hop.

    P.S: I do a creative blog hop over the weekends - this would be a lovely addition, should you wish to link up

    http://wordsinsync.blogspot.com/2011/08/weekend-creation-blog-hop-plus-2-poems.html

    SHAH X

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  14. A lovely poem Heaven.
    Very clever the way you got your name in at the end.
    A great read - thanks.

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  15. I really like this Heaven! I can feeling the love in this one.

    Cheers
    Padmavani

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  16. Hi, my feedback is based on these five factors starting from a traditional perspective but also looking at modern developments. I draw on Agha Shahid Ali's, chapter from An Exaltation of forms (Ed Finch and Varnes). This is a poem of his based on the traditional rules. http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/172051

    1) Association
    One of the key factors of the form - traditional or modern is that the couplets need to be based as it were on variations on a theme. And stand alone as the order should not matter. Mixing them works so well done as this is the hardest part.

    2) Theme
    This is clearly about longing so falls well within the Ghazal range

    3) Couplets
    You have done the minimum with no enjambment. Some enjambment occurs in the modern forms but as the exception in the poem rather then the norm. You have cleverly fitted the narrator/writer in the last couplet,

    4) Rhyme and refrain
    In the classical tradition, the opening couplet would set the refrain and internal rhyme in the first and second line. Then in the rest of the couplets the refrain and internal rhyme would be on the second line. Here you have a refrain but no internal rhyme which is fine

    5) Metre
    I don't think you have gone for a regular metre or beat count.
    In short, it has classical Ghazal features but a modern use of the refrain. So well within the Ghazal range. It has a nice sensual feel to it.

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  17. Lovely, Heaven. I was drawn into the misty feel with the first couplet. You did a great job with this one.

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  18. To know and to see it only grow stronger...a wonderful write! Your work and research paid off beautifully.

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  19. Ohh... lovely!! I really liked the way you have used your name in the last couplet... it read in both ways.. heave as paradise, and Heaven as you... very sweetly and neatly done!!!

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  20. I found this to be one of my favorite Ghazals I've read so far this week. Beautiful, and well done! :) Your effort paid off!

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  21. Thank you everyone for your lovely comments. This form was a challenge but it was fun learning it.

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  22. Very touching and tranquil, I really enjoyed the closing stanza ~ Rose

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  23. My arms hold your peace as you sleep
    More beautiful than yesterday

    And a lovely ending to a lilting and gentle poem.

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  24. I really like this...awesome.
    The ending, perfect.

    ☮ Siggi in Downeast Maine

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  25. Heavenly verses ... present love surpassing love remembered. Well done, Heaven!

    David

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  26. applauds loudly

    This may be my favorite of yours.

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  27. Beautiful! And I like the way you included your name at the end. :)

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  28. i love it all ... the theme, the form and the treatment of it.

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  29. Your theme and execution of this type of poetry are excellent!

    -H

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  30. I enjoyed this quite alright/a good read/ and I liked the look of yr site/thanx
    & thanx for kind comments on my old blog
    (a much more recent personal place for me is SPILLING SOME AT

    http://namelessneed.wordpress.com/
    I'll be dropping back

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  31. A wonderful ghazal. To date, the ghazal is the most difficult form I've ever attempted. You make it look simple while maintaining your romantic roots. Brilliant.

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