hand raised to be highest bidder
of her mercury affections,
pinned above your right shoulder,
on the blue dipper
on the blue dipper
everybody knows you love her
twisting your tongue to a babbler
forgetting everyone but words
dripping from her ink, wounded sword,
i disappear
i disappear
everybody knows you love her
every curve and line, her whispers
cutting insides like acid rock
wrapping your bruised heart in beanstalks,
all knew, but her
all knew, but her
Poetry form: Florette
Rhyme scheme: a, a, b, a
Meter (syllable count): 8, 8, 8, 12
Fourth line requirement of internal (b) rhyme scheme, on syllable 8.
The completed poem should consist of two or more stanzas.
Posted for Imaginary Garden and Poetry Jam: Theme on Everybody Knows by Canadian singer, Leonard Cohen: I wrote this in the context of admiring an artist but if you have other thoughts, please let me know. Thanks for the visit.
Picture credit: here
Terrific, Heaven. You really conquered the florette form; and the way you repeated the first line (and thus the word to rhyme) really enhanced the strength of this poem. It is also a unique contribution to Poetry Jam - thank you! For me each succeeding stanza got darker than the one before, ended with a 'snap.'
ReplyDeleteThank you for the lovely words Mary ~ The poetry form was a tough one but I had a chance to read examples, so it guided me with this post.
Deletedripping from her ink, wounded sword i disappear...cool line that....everybody knows but her...i hear that as well, it happens for sure...smiles...hard form....
ReplyDeleteI like that line too Brian ~ Thanks for the support and encouragement ~
DeleteThis is a good poem. The final four words sum up an aspect of love as well as anything ever will.
ReplyDeleteTwisting ones tongue to a babbler, oh that seems to happen a time or two, makes one sound crazier than a certain cat at my zoo..haha
ReplyDeleteOh...you just had to know I would love this!!! If you didn't..I do! LOL
ReplyDeleteFabulous writing, lovely imagery, powerful and filled with strong emotions.
Intriguing... you have prompted me to give the form a whirl (I thought I was too late).
ReplyDeleteIt'd probably hurt to listen to this, even though the tone is gentle. So painful, especially the last stanza -- how who you can't have just causes aches and burns slow hurt, it seems; heart squeezed by those beanstalks. Is "she" so clueless, or she really don't want the attention. Very tough.
ReplyDeleteVery well written piece on the pain of love not returned nor acknowledged.
from the beginning of the poem I wanted to say I HOPE SHE KNOWS TOO, and then came the end .... :(
ReplyDeleteThe loves which we do not notice are the saddest things...
This is great! Such a sad ending though.
ReplyDeleteI thought it was about a lover. But it made a lot of sense when you explained it. Nice. I enjoyed very much.
ReplyDeleteWow...that was amazing. Great job on the form, and really good job making it as deep and seemingly without form. Alot of times when people are trying new forms, it seems a little forced...not This one baby! Great job.
ReplyDeleteYou certainly have made this form your own - something which really excites me about the creative process. I love the way your phrasing, rather than the rhyme, dictates the flow of your ideas.
ReplyDeletewah! wonderfully composed form...keep it up G
ReplyDeleteawesome use of the form.i am just amazed how people are able to control their creativity to suit the demands of various forms as it just doesnt come to me.also, a probing exploration of the tensions of human relations.
ReplyDeleteForm doesn't come easy for me too. I struggle with it but I have learned to use it like a jigsaw puzzle and connecting the words in between. Thanks for the lovely words Abin ~
Deletevery good, everyone knows but her, painful... I cannot help reading this one next to the one I just read by FireBlossom. It would be interesting to alternate her stanzas with yours and see what came of it....
ReplyDeleteNicely done. I like the way you staggered the final line of each stanza to make the rhyme apparent, but not affecting the flow.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the lovely words Other Mary ~
DeleteFantastic use of the form. I like the way you arranged the words on the page, too. Love the way the ending repeats and expands upon the opening lines.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sherry ~ I was lucky to read the poems / shares before my link for great examples ~
DeleteGreat job with the form - very hard, but you make it do your bidding as it were. k.
ReplyDeleteThis is amazing, Grace. Every word, the spacing, the final line of each stanza bumped over, the repeated line, and the punch behind each description.
ReplyDelete"mercury affections" ... Now that is a dangerous measure of heat.
"twisting your tongue to a babbler" ... It does happen.
"cutting insides like acid rock
wrapping your bruised heart in beanstalks" ... So creative.
Your pronouns make me wonder about the speaker. There is "you," "I," and "her." It's possible that "you" and "I" are both the infatuated person. But it's also possible that the "I" is a woman tossed aside and replaced by the new object of affection. I like that this is unclear and a bit is left to the imagination. But how very sad for the speaker if the latter is true. And how does she write without emotion in her voice? Is she mocking him?
In the final line, you change tenses from "knows" to "knew." I would change the closing line to "all know but her" to stay in the present tense. Unless you're stepping outside the story into another voice with the final line. In that case, you might be writing from the perspective of a secondary narrator. Also, the second word of your title is not capitalized.
Brilliant job, Grace, as always.
A detailed commentary, I appreciate it. Yes, there is another person in this, the one tossed aside by this person infatuated with another.
DeleteI could close it with: all knows, but her, but this is the voice of another narrator ~
Thanks for the visit Shauna ~ I appreciate it ~
Outstanding Heaven. Love this. Great use of rhyme and repetition. Really exceptional write. Thanks
ReplyDeletelike acid rock
ReplyDeletewrapping your bruised heart in beanstalks,
That is a gorgeous piece of craftsmanship. I really like the conceit you used here, everybody knows except her. Well done
I've never read this form. very nice.
ReplyDeleteWrapping your bruised heart in beanstalks...
ReplyDeleteI love that! Now, I will no longer have to wrap it in bean SPROUTS!
The last line spun it home...
ReplyDeleteMy first time here. This poems is as sensual as is enigmatic.
ReplyDeleteThe repetition, the tone fit this form quite well ... I forgot it was a "form" poem.
ReplyDeletegrrr! this one is really good too.
ReplyDeletenice!
I love that Leonard Cohen form, and I love what you did with it. This is fantastic.
ReplyDeleteI came late to discovering the form and giving it a try myself but I love what you did, Grace. I think you're much better with form writing than you give yourself credit.. My thought (especially when seeing the picture)is that it was about a woman loving another woman..who didn't have a clue she was so admired..and then another being rejected.
ReplyDelete