Red lights at the bar flickers smoky flame
I order wine & cheese, savoring flame
Slow music brings strangers to dance sweet &
tangled kisses -- but I drift, waning flame
Moonlight gleams on my ordinary face
Anxieties mothballing, snaring flame
Heat soaks my hair into knotted brown ropes,
I pen words -coarsely pale as dying flames
I might look better if you dim down lights
To candle tap, softer flowering flame
My dreams bring me wading out to the sea
Weaving a storm with fingers - snapping flames
You gaze at me with awe, breathless, inflamed -
Here I am, better than I am - beautiful flame
Posted for D'verse Poets Pub: Poetry form - Ghazal Sonnet - Written in 7 couplets, with flame as a refrain in each verse (pentameter, mostly). I didn't follow strictly the last couplet. Smiles. Please check the link for other poetry guidelines and to read awesome poems.
Title & Inspirational post: Corey's Better than I am - His last verse:
My dreams have me pushing a boulder up a mountain
And jumping from the top to the bottom in a single leap
She’s waiting at the bottom, looking at me with admiration
Here, I am better than I am, here I am more, manly.
And jumping from the top to the bottom in a single leap
She’s waiting at the bottom, looking at me with admiration
Here, I am better than I am, here I am more, manly.
Beautiful Heaven, reminds me of how I'm feeling tonight too, this is awesome!
ReplyDeleteThank you Matthew ~
Deleteweaving the storm with fingers...what a bit of magic...i am intrigued by your narrators angst at their looks as well...here i am better than i am (as they see you) gives a nice release to that as well...smiles....nicely done on the form grace...
ReplyDeleteA challenging form, I must admit ~ I was flamed out at the end ~ Thanks Brian ~
Deletewe're beautiful only when love makes us believe it
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful comment Dezzy ~
DeleteSensuous take on the form and perfect choice for the refrain, I liked it. It was a really challenging one today!
ReplyDeleteYou bet ~ Thanks Frank ~
DeleteBeauty can behold us all, just have to open an eye at each hall.
ReplyDeleteIndeed it does ~ Thanks Pat ~
DeleteSuch beautiful stanzas here, Grace. Each of them different, but related. I do think everyone looks 'good' if looked at through a candle flame in dim light. (That was my favorite stanza!)
ReplyDeleteAh, this is lovely Grace... beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed watching the musings of someone putting down their plain looks but then becoming someone who inflames a lover in that last couplet. Love the inspiration of being "better than I am"...something kind of sad in that though.
ReplyDeleteCertainly a tough form, but you still convey a depth of emotion here.
ReplyDeleteGene
I might look better if you dim down lights
ReplyDeleteTo candle tap, softer flowering flame
Love those lines. I can relate to them for sure. Overall it's a lovely write, very sensual.
More than simply suggestive... Any gaps in the ghazal structure are more than made up for by the reality of the passion behind each verse, the heat behind the flame.
ReplyDeletePassionate couplets - it is a tough form - I salute you!
ReplyDeleteWow, you really did well with the form! I admire all you conveyed, so many thoughts united by a flame ;D Well Done
ReplyDeleteYour take on the sonnet is full of sensuality...I really like the way you close it ;)
ReplyDeletesome beautiful couplets Grace. You did a fantastic job with this form, such a beautiful piece. Thanks
ReplyDeleteUsing a poem for inspiration and the way you flamed it was amazing. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteLeaves one breathless
ReplyDeleteThe light of a fire is beautiful, what a lovely poem!
ReplyDeleteCertainly lit a flame here, Grace. I'm really struggling with this form, so kudos for pulling it all together so well.
ReplyDeleteI'm chicken and don't even try forms most times. So I haven't tried this one. But you did a great job with it. I like the flame, it's different natures, the sensuality of it. Very hot Grace. Nice.
ReplyDeleteBetter than I am - I love that! Simply beautiful! Well done as always, thank you.
ReplyDeleteSomehow this poem gives me the sense of loneliness
ReplyDeletesensual with strong visuals - I love the recurring flame.
ReplyDeleteLovely--and your words capture the "poetically physical or spiritual love, with a melancholic air of separation or longing" which are the traditional themes of the ghazal. Nice.
ReplyDeletelovely. I find flames to be quite hypnotic; I think your verse followed suit.
ReplyDeletelovely response to your inspiration. =)
ReplyDeleteCandle light and wine makes a woman look beautiful ... until the wine kicks in ... hmmm ...
ReplyDeleteOwWooo! O the goddesss hidden in each of us!
ReplyDelete"Heat soaks my hair into knotted brown ropes,"
Will she rise, strike, let herself be seen?
Sometimes I fear her alive and breathing, other
times I light the candle myself to be seen . . .
Lovely verses!
ReplyDeleteI think this an exceptional ghazal! I ma used to a freer form of ghazal as often doen in English, so I don't mind at all that you have replaced metre with syllabics - and the variation in last line seems quite acceptable too. along with the more subtle insertion of yourself by 'I' rather than name.
ReplyDeleteAlso I have always understood that the separate couplets of a ghazal not only stand alone but can even be somewhat discontinuous, albeit within the overriding theme - a feature I like. Sam didn't emphasise that in his instructions for the traditional form, and I didn't do it in my own response, but you have achieved it here. I think it definitely adds something to this fascinating form!
Oops! Should preview. Apologies for typos.
DeleteThank you for the lovely compliments ~ I thought yours was really exceptional ~
DeleteLovely Ghazal. Really nice. k.
ReplyDeletePS - I think the problem at my blog may have been an old google account I had - not sure - deleted anyway, so see if that makes a difference. k.
Ahhhhhhh!!!!!! damn it, I just saw this email lost in a jungle of emails and I feel terrible that I wasn't the first or fiftieth to respond. The form makes it so much better than the original, not sure shy but it hits harder and resonates with more depth. You know I adore your writing, and this is the exact reason why. You took that emotion and put it into a new window, I love that she see's herself in her dream as strong, sexy and amazing just like the other, but this one is much more passionate. It slowly steams...I am a huge fan of wet hair by the way....sweat or otherwise...lol, I know TMI. This is a great companion...we think alot alike I think. As always, loved it.
ReplyDelete