Thursday, 4 August 2016
Echoes of music
You are the snappy rhythm
my fingers catch, dally & dance
On black & pale ivory keys
Even with no sheets to follow
You are the sun-lit river tides
my rib bones pulse & thrum
You are the flickering rain
on wood & fresh pines my feet sway to
Under verdant sky & billowing clouds
Stringing of noisy grey geese returning
to spring season of maple trees
Open the front door & hear- lilt, verve, cadence-
Never lost, it waits to be found-
This music, & you
The above poem is an edited poem. Below is the original poem.
You are the rhythm
my fingers catch & play
On black & white keys
Even with no sheets to follow
You are the river tides
my rib bones pulse & thrum
Under verdant sky
Stringing of noisy geese returning
to spring season of maple trees
Open the door & hear the call
Your music was never lost
It was just waiting to be found
Posted for D'verse Poets pub - Hosted by Victoria C. Slotto. We are asked to edit an old poem and kick it up with sensory details.
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I especially noticed how you've chosen such active, descriptive verbs in the revised version.
ReplyDeleteConsider this:
Never lost, it waits to be found-
This music, & you
Compared to:
Your music was never lost
It was just waiting to be found
That old active vs. passive voice thing editors are always calling foul on.
Google not loving me on Wordpress today!
I absolutely love this, Grace though I can't decide which version I prefer the most as both are equally exquisite! Beautifully penned
ReplyDeleteLots of love,
Sanaa
Love the enhancement, Grace . The Original has its charm though!
ReplyDeleteI have added my original as well.
You really kicked it up in your re-write. I love the added detail- adds so much color and snap. Love your last line:
ReplyDeleteThis music, & you. Just great!
We did a very similar thing, taking a good original poem & deepening it, opening it up. I prefer your rewrite--it hooks me hardest. I like the lines /you are the flickering rain/on wood and fresh pines/.
ReplyDeleteFascinating! In some ways I love the spareness of the original – but the second version is perhaps more interesting. And I am SO glad you got rid of the banal last verse in the original, which was really letting you down; it would have been worth the revision for that alone. :)
ReplyDeletethe last two lines of the second version win over the original one..love them both.
ReplyDeleteSo true, the music is always there, just waiting for one to be aware
ReplyDeleteUnder verdant sky & billowing clouds
ReplyDeleteStringing of noisy grey geese returning
Beautifully revamped Grace! Just as intended the additions were great! Sparingly in the original but better enhanced in the new one.
Hank
one can only hope one's music isn't the music of a trombone :)
ReplyDeleteI think both of these are amazing Grace, perhaps one can feel the music more in the re-write. I don't know I enjoyed both.
ReplyDeleteYawning... (i could tell you how wonderful it is... or how profound... but i would be lying... and you would not want that... would you ? would you that i lie to you ? like i lie to everybody else ? it is too sweet for my tastes. needs more salt. maybe a bee sting... maybe two ? and i do not understand music. so the metaphor is lost on the rocky shores of my ignorance.)(when i see you, a distant drum beats, and then distant church bells peeling.)
ReplyDeleteMusic, love and poetry, always entwined.
ReplyDelete"The autumn leaves are falling like rain. Although my neighbors are all barbarians and you, you are a thousand miles away, there are always two cups at my table."
ReplyDeleteT’ang Dynasty poem
Lovely presentation of poetry....
ReplyDeletepeace and love
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